"Unapology"

This has been a growing concept in my mind--this idea of "unapology." Let me explain. It stems from the growing realization that I live in a fairly constant state of "apology." I find myself daily apologizing to someone, whether it's my boss, a coworker or my spouse; I'm always apologizing to someone, for something. Why? Especially, as I realize, when most of the time, it isn't even my place to apologize...

For example, someone stubs their toe: "I'm sorry" I say. A coworker is late to relieve another coworker for lunch, but I'm the one delivering the message: "sorry" I state, as if I was the one making their lunch late. Or I miss a pile while sweeping the floor at work and someone else has to do it, my immediate response is: "sorry about that!" Always sorry, for something, to someone. Why? Sympathy yes, understanding I get, but it's more than that I think. Is it guilt? Is it the desire to please, to not be found wanting by another? I'm not entirely sure (hence this post!) But, frankly, I'm tired of it, sick of my own conditioned response. And I would like it to change. Which is why I'm trying to coin the phrase: "unapology" as an attempt to reverse my thinking and cause me to reflect before speaking, pause before explaiming yet again: "I'm sorry!" Because, for heaven's sake--it can't always be my fault.

Perhaps I own more blame than is necessary to gain favor, opinion, appeal, appreciation. Whatever the reason, I am realizing it's nearly 100% man-centered, man-pleasing, and does a very poor job of declaring to the world that my identity is rooted in Jesus--who already took ALL of the blame for me on the cross, who already asked all of the apologies on my behalf. I wonder if me constantly apologizing to the world is offensive to my Savior? Because in many ways it negates His sacrifice for me and all of my shortcomings. Ironically, the only person who would be worthy of any of my "apologies" would be my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, yet He doesn't even require it, because He alreayd paid it all...

I will own what is mine, yes and what I am personally responsible for because that is right and good, but I repent and am resolved to try and live out my "unapology" and proclaim to the world--"My chains are gone, I have been set free" and live like that's the truth that defines who I am, because it is.

Rediscovering Singularity

It feels sadly absurd, to do just one thing at a time. Although that sentence may feel equally sad and absurd to someone who understands and grasps the importance of singularity--doing one singular thing at a time. But for me it is something I am slowly rediscovering and having to relearn. I feel it's been robbed from me, the beauty of focusing on just one thing at a time--or perhaps it's something I've given away, bit by bit, distraction by distraction. Perhaps it's slowly eked away as I have allowed my time and attention to be split time and time again by the demon of multi-tasking. Yes, I said demon.

I used to think it was a talent--multi-tasking, but I am slowly coming to realize it's actually a theif: a thief of true attention and focus, a thief of your wits and emotions focused soley on one thing. Multi-tasking not only steals from you, it lies as well. It tells you: "you'll get more done" "you'll accomplish more" "you'll be better and more productive." But, I'm finding the very opposite to be true. It seems if I try to "do more" I actually get less done and I'm less satisfied. Because instead of doing 2-5 tasks well I end of doing 2-5 tasks poorly and not doing a single one well.

For example, if I try to brush my teeth, make the bed and listen to a sermon all at the same time I inevitably end up getting tooth paste on the sheets, not catching everything the pastor says and will have done a very poor job of brushing my teeth. Another example: if I try to drive, drink my coffee and talk to my mom on the phone all while headed to work I will most likly get coffee on my pants or not fully enjoy it, almost miss a stop sign and not be very present with my mother in our conversation. So, why do we do it? Multi-task. I believe it goes back to the lies, the lie that it's the "better" way, when in reality it's the worst way.

It hit me tonight while I was unloading the dishwasher. I was so tempted to turn on music or call someone instead of simply unloading the dishwasher and having that be enough--because it was enough. So, I did, I just unloaded the dishwasher, in slience, and it was great. There was an odd satisfaction I found in doing only one thing, instead of three or ten. That's when it hit me--"singularity." I'm rediscovering it. And I don't want to stop.

Here's to rediscovery. More to come...

Facebook

Call it social media, call it personal documentation, call it "keeping in touch." Whatever you may call it, I call it addiction. The infamous "FB" is not simply another inocucous "social media" website; it is, in my opinion, one of the most potent personal forms of addiction. If you don't agree with me, think about this...

We take pictures. We make snippets of videos. We compose status updates. We experiment with hashtags. All with the express purpose of posting, posting to a world of people who we are longing to show the intimate details of our lives. Out entire lives are documented on FB. We have come to think about our lives through the lense of a Facebook post. And do you want to know why?

Becuase we desperately desire validation.

We post something and then check, check and then check again, to see how many "likes" we have. And if you say you've never done it, you're kidding yourself. I think we all have, at least I know I have. I was to the point where I was thinking in Facebook posts: taking pictures, composing updates mentally and then as I said checking incessently to see how many "likes" I had received. It pains me to admit it, but I must. The first step in healing from any addiction is regocnizing that there is a problem. And I have a problem with Facebook.

I even feel like it's deeply curtailed my creativity and contemplative habits that used to be so second nature. And Facebook isn't the sole culprit, movies, and media in general are all the enemy of the mind. In this season of my life my default has been to seek things out in which I can shut down and turn off, not think, mindlessly pursue entertainment that requires nothing of me but passivity. My husband referred to it as the "minefield of your soul;" and he's right. I've allowed, over time, these demons of media to infringe upon my soul and mind.

And I want them back.

I want to reclaim what's been stolen from me, or maybe been freely given away, but I want it back. I know it will be a fight. Habits don't change overnight. I also refelct that "we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers." This isn't just a fleshly fight, this is a fight for my soul, mind, and heart, and I have to win. No, I can't win alone, nor simply out of my own strength, but the grace given me dialy in Christ I have hope.

So what do we do? What have I done to pursue steps of freedom? Well, first I deactivated my Facebook account--I know if I were really hardcore I would delete it all together, but I'm just not there yet--I'll get there. This is a first step. Then, I ask for help maintaining sobriety. I know it sounds crazy to treat this like achoholism or drug addiciton, but an addiction is an addiction, especially if it's interferring with your quality of life--and this is. Then it looks like changing your habits. It's one thing to eliminate a habit, but if youd don't replace it with something new that same habit will appear agian, and again, and again. I've done it, and it does. And I don't want it to anymore.

I'm not sure if this time of deactivating will "stick" but I can be hopeful, and I can try and take steps to pursue things that are life-giving and not life-sucking.

Some people don't struggle with alchohol. Some peoeple don't struggle with drugs. Some people don't struggle with Facebook; I do. And I hope someday not to. I hope to return to contemplative things: reading, writing, thinking, drawing, studying and bettering myself.

Ultimately, I hope I can seek once again my true validation from it's only satisfying source: Jesus. I pray I could return to the place where my soul truly finds rest, at the feet of Jesus. That I could turn off the noise of this age and once again hear His still, small voice, and be validated. Herein lies my hope.

Doing Doing Doing

Do this, do that, accomplish this, finish that. Productivity is mantra of our age, our society, and it would seem ourselves. Do the laundry, make the grocery list, clean the house, finish your deadline for work--in short, accomplish your to-do list. It's never ending. It seems that as soon as one thing is "accomplished" on that to-do list another item is added; it's never ending. And I start to question: is this just life? Or have we made life something it should not be? Have we created a false sense of constant urgency, a sense that we must "do" and "accomplish" in order to be considered productive, and overall valued? Is our value then only in what we can do? In what we can accomplish? If that's the case it explains a lot about society... What is the most commonly asked question when you meet someone new? "What do you do?" This instantly assigns value to a very specific area: work. What thing does that person "do" that can tell me something about who they are? But, I suppose it makes sense. We spend over 50% of our waking hours at work, our vocation, our job. It would make sense that we ask this question, but it tells so much about who we are, and more importantly who we've become. What happened to the days where someone was not judged so much on what they did as much as on who they were, their character. The unseen qualities of a person, that were made often in secret and away from the eyes of the world. When did we stop valuing who a person was far above what a person could do? It saddens me, about my world certainly, but also about myself. Because I assign people the same value as my society: "What can you do" rather than "who are you?" We are asking the wrong question, I am asking the wrong question. It's more about the question, but I believe the question reveals so much about who we've become, who I've become. And I can't necessarily change much about the world at large and or undo our incessant need to "do" and "accomplish" but I suppose I can see to changing myself... As I always tell my students, "the only person you can control is yourself." And as I said, I cannot necessarily alter the seemingly incessant pattern our world has succumb to: do this, do that, accomplish this, finish that, BUT I can attempt in small, incremental ways to resist the machine. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said it only takes one, tiny mechanism to stop a great machine--referring at the time to the machine of society, but I think he was right... I may not be able to change the fact that I work at a job that consumes most of waking hours, or that my surrounding society assigns value to me based on these hours spent at work, or on the things I then "do" outside of work. But, I CAN choose to not let it define me, to seek myself outside of what I can "do" or "accomplish" in a day. I CAN learn that stillness is valuable, even if my society screams at me to be "doing" at all times, like being on Facebook in my sparest moments. I CAN choose to ask a different question of life--instead of "What do you do?" I can ask: "Who are you" and "Who am I?" hoping that I can genuinely start living in a way that reflects the question I long to answer myself. May we all choose to become who we were meant to be and not simply "do" what we think we should and miss the purpose of it all.